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Pet hate #1: Morons who think they’re right… But are wrong! June 20, 2009

Posted by Matt Domm in Life, Pet hates, Random rants.
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I have a lot of pet-hates, but people thinking they’re right when you know 100% that they aren’t, is my biggest. I was reminded of my intolerance of such people whilst in my car recently.

If drivers must prove they are road-safe, then so should those who travel by foot. I propose a new law that pedestrians should be made to pass a ‘Green Cross Code test’ before stepping out of their houses.

If I, or anyone else, was to hit a pain in the arse pedestrian who doesn’t know the rules of the road then I’m certain the law would be more than happy to take my licence away when, realistically, the walker should have their feet sawn off.

No, I’m not confessing to any recent hit-and-runs – but I can give an example…

The other day I stopped at a red light. As I’m meant to, well done me. It was a pelican crossing (I even know the names) so I, of course, waited for people to cross the road until the light changed from red. This is where it gets tricky – there is no-one on the crossing at it starts to flash orange: which means, as we all know, that drivers must wait for people to get off the crossing but NO ONE CAN START TO CROSS.

Herein is the problem: just as I start to drive off – after making sure no-one is there – a couple decide that their lives are irrelevant, and start to cross while the lights are flashing amber. Of course I stop again but they are now taking the piss – the woman takes an age to get to the other side, so I help her across by edging towards my destination. Cue stupid woman thinking she is right, pointing at the lights while they flash to suggest I have done something wrong…

If there weren’t other cars behind me I would have happily walked with her to a bookshop to find her a copy of the green cross code, where I’m sure there’s a list of what crossings do what. Nothing winds me up more than know-it-alls who actually know fuck all.

She’d soon be sorry when she fails her ‘walking test’ on something so simple as lacking the common sense to cross the road… which makes me wonder actually how many accidents are caused by idiots like this.

Who else would feel a whole lot safer if pedestrians had to prove they are worthy of using roads – just as we drivers are?


Hot Air Balloon pilot – the easiest job in the world? June 1, 2009

Posted by Matt Domm in Life, Random rants.
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They actually fly these things?

They actually fly these things?

Where do I apply? As far as I can tell, the only experience I need is that I can wait for a phone call to tell me I don’t need to fly today – now, I’ve never flown anything but, from my experience of air balloon flights, so far  nor have they, surely?

What a fantastic weekend of weather we’ve had; the birds loved it, the bees loved it but, alas, it has been too windy for me to take my girlfriend on a floating basket – a gift I bought for her birthday, last November. That’s right, windy – and how can I argue with their “safety levels”?

Usually when I think of the weather as ‘windy’, I imagine full-grown men fighting for their lives on the seven seas; not a small tree outside my window gently swaying in the whirlwind created by a butterfly flapping its wings. Which, in case you’re wondering, is what I was looking at when I listened to the recorded message cancelling our fourth attempt at this cursed experience.

At midday, I could see why the flight might have been cancelled – I mean a flag on St Andrew’s church was billowing – but by the evening it was as calm as Mother Theresa and Ghandi’s love-spawn. If I were in charge of one of these companies that supposedly operates balloon flights, I would have waited until I could see the wind was fading from 0.5 mph to nothing; I think the exact sentence the robot told me was “The winds will not have died down enough to be able to fly.” I have no idea who sends them their weather updates but I’m pretty sure I heard Michael Fish whispering in his ear.

The closest we’ll be getting to any ‘hot air’ is when I phone the company tomorrow morning to rearrange the date. Hopefully I’ll get lucky and next time it will be clear, dry and calm – that’ll be the flight cancelled then.

I can’t help but feel they’re taking me for a ride…

If only they would.

Bravery was once a meaningful trait… May 30, 2009

Posted by Matt Domm in TV.
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Apparently all you need to be brave in this millennium is the ability to fail, dust yourself off and start again.

Now, things I see on TV rarely make me think outside the hour it takes to actually watch a programme, but last night I did. Britain’s Got Talent was the show. It made me think of my poor ancestors who had fought and died for their country, only for it to reward them with ‘brave’ acts such as failing to sing a song first time around and fluking another shot at it.

Ok, the girl is ten years old, I get it, but wasn’t there a girl of six who was in the final a few years ago? I don’t remember her being brave for managing to sing her way through the contest without choking. I can see some people saying “but she got back up there and nailed it”, well, it was more uncomfortable than brave and the real heroes are the ITV producers willing to risk their ratings just so Hollie could get it right. Would there have been a third time? Would she have still got through? Would that have won her the George Cross, presented to her at the Royal Variety show? The answer to all three is; probably, yes, especially if Piers Morgan and Amanda Holden had their way. Dame Hollie Steel? Maybe, after  a fourth attempt… and what a fitting surname she has, though Hollie Braveheart would work as well.

Speaking of Piers Morgan, I think his exact words were: “That is the bravest thing I have ever seen.” Something like that anyway and if he is serious I will retract my opinion that the former News of the World editor is cultured. Surely he has seen, in his years, a more heroic act than that? I know I have, just last week I saw someone wearing orange and pink in the same outfit. Perhaps Piers is just confused and actually believes his claim that this show is the biggest in the world?

Growing up, I was fed the story of  St George, my national hero slaying a dragon, showing no fear to the ferocious beast. Perhaps for future generations the icon of all things brave will instead be a small child, in full ballerina attire wobbling her way through a song in a contest. Or perhaps simply a solitary Eidelweiss… Britain, for shame.